| The Beginning of the Beginning |
[Nov. 4th, 2008|12:27 pm] |
As the smell of nearby pine trees wafts in with the cool November morning air, I watch the color of the sky fade with elegance from grey to blue. 30 minutes to go and the line isn't as long as I expected.
In the line, I see Ms. Worsham, one of my teachers from High School. It was in her U.S. History and Government class that I developed an interest in politics. She opened the pandora's box of issues and viewpoints. It was only fitting that she be there when I vote for president for the first time.
Once the clock ticks 7am, we move forward.
Inside the church, old ladies look at our IDs and help us fill out their forms. When I get to the front, a lady with wrinkles, white hair and glasses hands me a yellow card. I move to another line and anxiously wait my turn. When one of the booths was available, I walked over, inserted my card and followed the directions on the screen. My first decision was who I wanted to be President.
I voted for Barack Obama. I voted for Senator Barack Obama and am not ashamed in the least bit to say so. This is a man that I truly believe will push this country in the direction we need to be going. I believe he will establish worldwide good will towards America. I believe he will get jobs back in the hands of Americans and will bring us out of the darkness and to the front line of the global initiative to get a handle on climate change.
He inspires me.
I just got back to Statesboro. I had to drive to Bryan County, which is an hour away, in order to vote. I woke up before the sun and was in line while it was having coffee. But now I am back, and ready to face the rest of the day. I have plenty of things on my plate: essays, papers, poems... basic school work.
But tonight, I will be a part of the real deal. The local access channel, Channel 97, is going to be airing live election coverage from 9pm-12am and I will be helping out. Right there, in the middle of the most important election in a long time, I will be in the middle of the action.
He just better fucking win. |
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| A Poem |
[Oct. 8th, 2008|04:12 pm] |
Number Twelve
You are Beautiful.
Your big sweet eyes relax
anyone who is caught in their gaze.
Your smile is imperfectly perfect,
hinting both adult sins
and childlike joy.
You are Beautiful.
Your body is sex defined,
curving in all the right places
and leaving men, not boys,
with only a wistful dream.
You are Beautiful.
Yes, your big, succulent breasts.
Yes, even your love handles
that I wish I could hold.
And yes,
especially yes,
that gorgeous, confused soul.
You are Beautiful. |
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| First Draft |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|10:24 am] |
The Debate
Four pieces of ice, a double shot of triple-distilled vodka,
and top it off with tonic water.
Sitting down on the couch with cocktail glass in hand,
I point the remote to the TV and mash the button a few times
to see that it had already begun.
The man representing the right is on the left.
The man representing the left is on the right.
The man supposedly representing the center sits in the middle,
conducting the titans like
a bad middle-school drama coach.
Questions about the economy are everywhere
but where are the answers?
Look at him, motherfucker! Just once, look at him!
All you do is call him naïve, say he doesn’t understand,
but you won’t even look him in the eye.
Is this it? How can you call this a choice?
This man does not care about us any more than he does
His 7, sorry, 9 homes.
Bullshit is called out yet it still falls out
of the right side of the stage’s mouth
And you still won’t look at him! |
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| Haikus |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|10:22 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Complete silence | ] |
Blue fades to yellow,
brown leaves fall to hide the green
and the wind blows hard.
Bubbles and giggles
fill the air above the pool
down the street from school.
Two deer stop to stare
at the headlights of the car
that disturbs their meal.
It is raining hard –
we should stay in bed until
after the sun wakes.
Cold air blows dead leaves
across the fresh dirt mound and
over the flowers. |
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| Vampires |
[Aug. 9th, 2008|10:33 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "Scatterbox Vamp" by me | ] |
Ever since I stopped smoking pot, my dreams have become more vivid and I'm starting to remember them. My memory, however, still goes on the fritz from time to time. I have just as many plans as I always did but now I feel more confident that I will be able to accomplish them now that so much more time and money is at my disposal. I still don't know who I want to be, though. That might take me a while. |
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| He gets up in the morning and he goes to work at night. |
[Jun. 3rd, 2008|06:37 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Sri Rupa Manjari by Rasa | ] |
Where in the world do you want to go? America, that's where. I've been there a few times, but most of my days are spent sitting on another planet full of feet draggers, beer addicts, mindless psychology majors and country music fans. The yellow-painted road beckons me to the far-away land of California, the default get away for anyone that looks in the mirror and doesn't see surroundings fit for their mind.
But do I really have a destiny that leads me to the hills of the West Coast or is it just because I see my heroes in Big Sur that I want to be there? Dr. Thompson, Mr. Kerouac, The Dead, even Jojo. The Bay Area seems to be the home of the me I want to be. I come from fields of Georgia snow but I yearn to be baptized in the dirty Pacific.
I sometimes question what I'm doing, why I am where I am. My concepts of what life are much more grandiose than this, more full of epiphanies and praise and late nights listening to jazz with a group of philosophers and writers as we drink wine and pass around a joint all the while discussing the meaning behind Narrow Stairs and how M.C. Escher's Drawing Hands represents the paradox of becoming who we are. Maybe California isn't the only place that can happen. Hell, I know it isn't. But can it happen in Statesboro? It's possible... but I haven't found it.
So I took advice from a turtle and retreated back into my shell, using the introvert's method of partying: writing and drugs. No, not all drugs. Hell, not even most drugs. But some drugs. Some of them open your mind just enough to get a feel for the twists and turns, the nuances that make up your DNA. Getting a glimpse of the helix, I'm compelled write down what I see, but I don't always. Some of the time I sit on the couch with a pair of headphones (or as the kids say, "cans") and I merely contemplate what I saw and what it means.
But even then, I feel like I'm a poser. Someone who merely wants to be something but lacks the gall to become that thing. In this case, I feel like I'm a pseudo-writer. I think about writing when I wake up and while I sleep. I ponder what I want to say and how what I say will reflect myself and the world. I painted this picture of who I want to be but when I look at myself as I sit now and don't see that person, my gut reaction is to flush myself down the toilet as a failure.
But no one is who they want to be. Not really. There is always room for improvement. In my case, it is to take control. If I want to wake up at the crack of dawn, then I must resist the snooze button. If I want to read more than I watch TV, then I must put down the remote and pick the book up. If I want to clear my mind and start fresh, then the substances must subside. If I want to be a writer, there is only one thing I can do: Write.
I don't know where I'm going with this so I will stop.
The ranting ends -------->here. |
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| It's Noon on a Wednesday... do you know where your penis is? |
[May. 21st, 2008|11:55 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Your room. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bixby Canyon Bridge - Death Cab For Cutie | ] |
So, sometimes I sleep. And by sleep, I mean retreat into a mild coma. The Me that lays down at night, the one that wants to wake up at a respectable hour, is not the same Me that is startled by the alarm clock and presses the snooze button for hours. More on this at a later date.
Second of all, how are all yall? I don't know who all is still on here, I haven't done any deep investigative journalism to find out which of my high school LJ friends are still recording their daily musings on here. So, to those of you who are, I'd love to hear from you. Cecilia, Hillary (I remember the two Ls), Rae, Hannah, Tori, Alex, whoever else is out there in the great wide open.
A little update focusing on me:
- I am still in Statesboro attending the prestigious Georgia Southern University. I am a Creative Writing major and a Journalism minor.
- I am a staff writer at the George-Anne and Reflector, the school paper and newspaper, respectively. I have yet to get paid, but that's just because I hate paperwork. It'll happen (it's retroactive, so I'm not losing moola). I may be an assistant features editor in the Fall time. Most of the stuff I write is music related; band profiles, album reviews, concert previews/reviews. I have gotten a few personal narrative essays published, though (one on a trip to San Francisco, one on a trip to New Orleans, one about vinyl records). And, of course, I've done my share of basic news stories.
- I'm still drummin'. I was in an alternative metal band for a while, but that didn't work out. Now I am slowly training a technical guitarist to play the blues so that I can start up another project. I started writing my own music using Reason.
- I went to New Orleans for Spring Break to help out with the relief effort. It was an amazing experience, one that filled me with many emotions and ideas. The city, while the river has retreated, is still very much underwater and in shambles.
- I went to the Echo Project music festival back in October. That was the shit. 3 days of good music, hippies, and all the information about environmental action you could imagine.
- I worked at Starbucks for about 8 months. I am not employed there right now because I have other obligations and I couldn't juggle everything at once. Hopefully I'll be back soon.
- I've gone through a bit of a dark period, to be honest. Depression, drug abuse, it's a cliche, reallly. I lost my way a bit and had a hard time reconciling who I wanted to be and where I wanted to be in my life with who I am and where I am right now. I got carried away with certain aspects of life but now know that the game is patience and all that should come will come.
- One of my wake-up calls was a road block here in Statesboro that found me in the back of a cop car and a holding cell for 15 hours. I'm not ashamed of it but I never want to go back.
- I've fallen in love with writing and writers. My inspirations are Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, Jann Wenner, Tom Robbins, George Carlin.
- I have a mustache.
- If you ever knew me, you know my musical taste is synonymous with the term "eclectic" or even "everything." My current obsessions are Radiohead, Death Cab For Cutie and John Mayer (Continuum). None of these are particularly new but I'm revisiting them as I am constantly spawning new interests in the same old stuff all the time.
Any questions? How are you? |
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| Your New Twin-Sized Bed |
[May. 16th, 2008|04:48 pm] |
46 forty six 4-6 weeks. That's how long since my last post. I am wowed.
So, as of late, I am having a series of mini-awakenings that are slowly building to a revival. I have been on a bit of a physical binge. Sleeping for 12 or 13 hours a night, waking up, eating a snack, watching T.V. or surfing the web until it's time to go to bed. There is beer, coffee, pot and various bites of junk food to help the time pass, but mostly it's an uninterrupted web-cast example of sloth. Sure, I bathe every day and eat well and keep the apartment clean. But I don't do anything else, it seems.
So, now it's time for a physical purge and a mental binge.
Work. Work. Work. Let the toxins and bad thoughts drain through my pores as a cloud of intellect and purpose rain on me a cool, cool water to wash me clean. Focus on this body as a cliche temple and get it looking nice and taking care of itself. Weights are supposed to be lifted, metaphorically and literally.
Read about those that inspire you and then take in their works, the ones that inspire you. Their paintings, their pictures, their essays, their stories, their letters, their articles, their words, their songs, their albums, their concerts, their thoughts. Don't let a minute be wasted.
Do. Do. I left it at two so it sounds funny. I am writing every day, jumping onto the Program five months too late. No Mozart yet, but he'll come. Maybe he won't. I hope it doesn't disappoint anyone if he doesn't make the playlist. I want to be a writer with a large percentage of myself and the only way I can be a writer is to be a writer and to write.
I've taken up painting. Not so much yet, but it will pick up and I'll be turning my thoughts into physical medium. Colors have always intrigued me if nothing else and I want to experiment with those pigments that make me feel different things.
I can't really think of too much else right this very moment. I've hit a bit of a block and have grown bored with this format. Perhaps I may return, perhaps I may not.
WHaT? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2007|06:25 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | dorm room | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Set It Off - John Legend | ] |
Well, damn.
It's been OVER a YEAR since I last posted in here.
Why have I neglected? I turned into a Xangist. I didn't really feel like anyone was reading my LJ anymore and that people would read my Xanga. I didn't really have any friends on LJ anymore and the friends I did have on here also had a Xanga, so I figured it was a well-warranted switch.
However, Xanga has now turned into an outlet that no one really reads as well. The friendships that I had with those on Xanga have weakened and I really feel no particularly strong ties to any single blog site. The only thing that keeps me writing is my basic love for writing. So I figured "why not revive the Live Journal?"
Now, I know that there aren't gonna be many or any people reading this one either, but that's not really a big deal to me anymore. I just feel like LJ is a little more mature and secluded. Not to mention the history I have recorded. That's another main reason I write in online journals and blogs and what have you. Because I believe in recording history. I believe in saving and remembering what we do from day to day. It's the voice and the happenings of the every day person that shapes the views that the future will have of these days. So it's our duty to make sure that they have the most accurate records to go by. If Ben Franklin hadn't gone home each night and wrote down in his journal what happened to him that day, we wouldn't have a clue what happened during the Continental Congress. But because he did, we do.
So that's that. |
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| The sun is shining, I feel good, and no one is gonna stop me now, mama. |
[Apr. 13th, 2006|12:57 am] |
| [ | music |
| | It's a Beautiful Day - Queen | ] |
GAME RULES:
1. You can only say YES or NO.
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments and asks!
1. Taken a picture naked? yes.
2. Painted your room? no.
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? no.
4. Drove a car? yes.
5. Danced in front of your mirror? yes.
6. Have a crush? yes.
7. Been dumped? yes.
8. Stole money from friend? no.
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? yes.
10. Been in a fist fight? yes.
11. Snuck out of your house? no.
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yes.
13. Been arrested? no.
14. Made out with a stranger? no.
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? yes.
16. Left your house with out telling your parents? yes.
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? yes.
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? yes.
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? yes.
20. Seen someone die? no.
21. Been on a plane? yes.
22. Kissed a picture? yes.
23. Slept in until 3PM? yes.
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? yes.
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yes.
26. Made a snow angel? yes.
27. Played dress up? yes.
28. Cheated while playing a game? yes.
29. Been lonely? yes.
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? yes.
31. Been to a club? yes
32. Felt an earthquake? no.
33. Touched a snake? yes.
34. Ran a red light? yes.
35. Been suspended from school? no.
36. Had detention? no.
37. Been in a car accident? yes.
38. Hated the way you look? yes.
39. Witnessed a crime? yes.
40. Pole danced? no.
41. Been lost? yes.
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? yes.
43. Felt like dying? no.
44. Cried yourself to sleep? yes.
46. Sang karaoke? no.
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? yes.
48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? yes.
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes.
50. Kissed in the rain? no
51. Sing in the shower? yes.
52. Made love in a park? no.
53. Had a dream that you married someone? yes.
54. Glued your hand to something? yes.
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no.
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? no.
57. Been a cheerleader? no.
58. Sat on a roof top? yes.
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? yes.
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? no.
61. Played chicken? no.
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yes.
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? yes.
64. Broken a bone? no.
65. Been easily amused? yes.
66. Laugh so hard you cry? yes.
67. Mooned/flashed someone? no.
68. Cheated on a test? yes.
69. Forgotten someone's name? yes.
70. Slept naked? no.
71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool? yes.
73. Blacked out from drinking? yes.
74. Played a prank on someone? yes.
75. Gone to a late night movie? yes.
76. Made love to anything not human? no.
77. Failed a class? no.
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? yes.
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? yes.
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? yes.
81. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? yes.
82. Thrown strange objects? yes.
83. Felt like killing someone? no.
84. Thought about running away? no.
85. Ran away? no.
86. Did drugs? yes.
87. Had detention and not attend it? no.
89. Made a parent cry? yes.
90. Cried over someone? yes.
91. Owned more than 5 sharpies? yes.
92. Dated someone more than once? no.
93. Have a dog? no.
94. Own an instrument? yes.
95. Been in a band? yes.
96. Drank 25 sodas in a day? no.
97. Broken a cd? yes.
98. Shot a gun? yes.
99. Lost a friend? yes.
100. Been to more that 5 concerts? YES. |
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| I will drink the cup, the poison overflowing |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|01:00 am] |
| [ | music |
| | For You - Johnny Cash and Dave Matthews | ] |
"poem" i wrote at one time. i think i'll start posting some more eventually. i havent written in about a year.
Twinkle Into Tears
The spring blooms over the carcasses of the fall,
but the sky still remains the solid grey of yesterday.
Drooping over my head and crying on my shoulders,
the heavens thunder its story of heartbreak and sadness.
Then, as if it were waiting for a musical cue from the storm,
the grey clouds, full of determination, run in opposite directions
to expose all the tiny eyes of the universe that were hidden behind.
They twinkle.
They smile.
They ease my mind with a tiny light from a place only they can show me.
A place so far away yet right at my finger tips.
Right in my line of sight.
In my grasp.
In my mind run the many thoughts that keep me away during the dark hours.
In my life, i strive to find that same light.
That light that comes from the eyes of the universe,
That twinkles, that smiles.
And i've found it...
In your eyes.
It's so far away yet right at my finger tips.
Right in my line of sight.
In my grasp.
But when the grey comes back and the clouds find their spot again,
So does the cold.
So does the hopelessness and the misery.
The transformation is quick and natural.
The heavens go back to crying, so do i.
The light is covered by the grey and i'm left with what i was
Before the universe's symphony changed me...
A lonely man. |
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| Love is a taker of all. |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|11:08 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Halloween - Dave Matthews Band | ] |
He closes the flip-phone and tosses it a short distance, landing very close to the end of the edge of the built-in desk.
His heart is going fairly fast, and he thinks for a second about what just happened. Two years... down the drain.
"It's over." he says to himself in a surprised yet matter-of-factly voice. He promptly switches the CDs in his CD player, taking out Guns'N'Roses' "Use Your Illusion I" and putting in the best album in his life, "Before These Crowded Streets" by none other than Dave Matthews Band.
Something has to allow him to focus his thoughts without taking his mind off of what just happened, and this music was it. All the emotions are there, even the ones that aren't linked in any way to how he feels now.
Even though he doesn't know what he feels. It's amazing. It's horrible. Is this the absolute bottom? Or is this the same level? Did this move him completely or not at all?
That's undetermined. This was such a big deal... there's no way to know right off the bat.
One thing is for sure...
"It's Over." He says it again.
Has it sunk in? Yeah, I think so. But has it hit him yet? No. "Then how has it sunk in?" I don't know. All I know is that he is sitting here typing this, and he both knows and accepts what just happens, but possibly just doesn't understand the full effect of this. The greatness. Maybe he doesn't believe it.
I don't know what I think right now. This is a big deal, I know that. Goddamn it...
It's Over. |
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| Playing More Than One Game |
[Feb. 5th, 2006|02:32 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Johnny Clegg & Juluka - "Gijim 'beke" | ] |
January 17, 2006:
After the hour long journey of information into the world of Anthropology was done, it was time to head over to the Lakeside Café to get a bite to eat before embarking on the journey of experience into the world of life.
Meeting up with several friends, he talked about random things, joked about a video game he had never heard of, made fun of Darius for his choice of vocabulary and other pointless but enjoyable banter. After his meal was done, he left Lakeside, went to his room to gather his stuff for the trip and bid Statesboro fucking adieu.
Where was he going? Well, the geographic answer to this question is simple. He was heading to Athens for the night to watch a basketball game and see the girl who makes his life anything but boring, Karen. However, there is another context of that question that is harder to answer. Well… not harder to answer, but the answer is hard to define. If you asked him where the relationship was going… if you ask him where the night was going… if you asked him where his life was going… the answer would be simply “into the dark.” That word, “dark”, doesn’t carry a depressive connotation in this context. It is just used to express the unknown quality these things had. He had no idea.
He has no idea.
On the trip up into the abyss, he ran into a situation that he was glad to encounter. There was a big accident on the interstate. An 18-wheeler had tipped over or something like that. The details to what happened are not known, and really… they don’t even matter. What matters is that he was forced to get off of the interstate on a random exit. What was he going to do? The only way he knew how to get to Athens, at that point, has been eliminated. So he was going to have to figure something out. An alternative.
He went to one of the gas stations available and bought a road map of the state of Georgia. Thought about getting a road map of Florida, but felt that would have been inappropriate, seeing that he didn’t really need to know how to get from Tuscaloosa to Tallahassee at the moment. So he settled with the Georgia road map, which proved to be the best choice in the end.
After a nice look at the map, he figured out where he was and where he needed to go in order to get back onto the path to the mysterious destination. And onto the road to Athens too, of course. He studied that map for a good 5 minutes, deciding a careful combination of ‘back roads’ and state roads that will lead him back into familiar territory.
And it worked. This was a huge victory for him. This was a very simple experience and a very simple thing that happens every day… but it had never happened to him. He has never been in the situation where he had to literally figure out something like that in such a situation. Being lost in a city… no big deal. But being lost in a state? That’s pretty big. And he passed the test. He figured it out with no problems. This was a real-life experience he had never had before… and now he has. As simple as it was… it made him feel like a real person. A real person who can feel and do real things. And not fail.
After he hit the halfway point, the sky got all emo and started bawling uncontrollably. So, of course, he had to deal with that shit. What a pain in the ass…
Once he got there, he called that girl and she met him downstairs to let him into the dorm building so he could lay his hat down for a few moments before they head off to enjoy a meal together.
During dinner, there was a fairly comfortable air between them, but he wasn’t feeling 100% (had been coping with a cold all week.) they talked, joked, laughed, smiled, shared, ate, and then paid. Then they left.
Now, I’ll take a break here to explain why this night was so important, and why everything was so unknown and whatnot. See… earlier in time, the two of them had a pretty deep and impactual conversation. The specific details of this talk will remain in his memory, but they won’t be expressed here. Only a few choice elements will be explicated, just so you understand the full intensity of this night and these events.
Basically, the two of them decided that their actions would no longer be separate from their feelings. This means that there would be no more ‘holding back’ between the two of them. If one of them wanted to act, there would be nothing preventing them anymore. Hold hands. Hug. Cuddle. Kiss. Anything. It’s open now. Of course, it had to be wanted by the other person at the time, but that would really be determined after the action took place. No one would get offended if the other acted against their will (unless it was completely inappropriate, but neither of them have the balls to go that far.) So it was a very open decision.
But this night was the first time it was going to be put into play. This was going to be the test night. Do they both really want that? Are they comfortable? Can they do it?
That’s what tonight would decide.
Let’s see how it goes.
The rest of the night would be ultimately devoted to a certain basketball game. Being in Athens, it’s obvious that one of the teams playing is the Georgia Bulldogs. The other team, however, was the Kentucky Wildcats. Now, if you know anything about Philip, you know that he is a very hardcore Kentucky basketball fan. So this was going to be a great thing. Watching his Wildcats play basketball. Even if he had to sit in the UGA student section… who cares?
The walk to the arena was nice. Just the two of them, side by side, in the rain but under umbrellas, talking about this, that, and the other. Not small talk by any means, though. They were sharing and listening. It was really a sweet and real moment. Two real people talking about real things. And really caring about each other.
Now, I will not go into the details of the game. I know none of the readers really care, and the details don’t matter. They do not contribute to this story. They are all documented in the game books anyways, so there isn’t even any need for them to be documented here.
But the feelings of the game are important. He was loving it, and the fact that she was right next to him just made it better (even if she was cheering against him, but it wasn’t any further than a case of ‘supporting one’s own school’, so it wasn’t a big deal.) They were having a great time together, and they were experiencing something quite new to both of them. He had been to basketball games before, but not in the same way. She had never been to one, so it was all alien to her, really.
Kentucky won.
He was feeling completely ecstatic. So many wonderful things going on. He got to see UK. They won. He was with her. they were enjoying each other. He was in Athens. Life was wonderful. Little did he know it was gonna get even better within the next hour or so.
The walk back was just as wonderful as the walk there. At one point, he did something that made him seem very much like a little bitch. No one really needs to know what he did… but let’s just say he was genuinely scared for his life in a moment he should not have been. Damn Dane Cook.
They joked, she called him a bitch, they laughed, and they had a good time walking in the water that was in puddles throughout the city.
They arrived back in her dorm room and started to settle down. The sleeping places were delegated. Her on the top bunk, him on the bottom, and the roommate and her boyfriend on the floor (by choice.)
He had hoped she would be sleeping with him… but wasn’t let down that it didn’t happen. It never happened before, and even though it was “more possible” now, he still did not naturally expect it.
But he couldn’t sleep. It was now 12:30AM. He was going to have to get up at 5:30AM in order to leave early enough to make it back to Statesboro in time for his first class. And he knew he wouldn’t be getting sleep any time soon. So, around 1AM, being of a logical mind, he decided to go ahead and hit the road. He figured that he would take advantage of his body’s refusal to sleep and drive now, so by the time he got back to Statesboro, he would be ready for sleep and could go ahead and do that.
So he packed his stuff back up and put his shoes on. The noise woke Karen up, and she turned on the light and asked him what he was doing, so he explained. She did the normal “are you sure?” thing. He assured her he was sure. Of course he was… time is important, and the key is managing it.
She walked him out the door (to her room, not the building) and they talked for a short bit and then said goodbye and hugged. She went back in her room and shut the door and he walked away.
He took about 5 paces, stopped, and turned back around and went back to the door. He knocked. She said “come in.”
He opened the door, and asked her to come out for a second.
She came back into the hallway. He looked her in the eyes and said “I just wanted to do this.”
Then he kissed her.
He kissed her.
He smiled, she smiled, and then he turned back around and began to leave.
As he walked away, she said “Good boy, you got guts!”
He just looked at her and smiled and head back on his way.
Wow. He did it. He straight up did it. He did what he has wanted to do for many moons. He finally did something he wanted to do. And it felt great. And she liked it. She went with it. It worked!
It’s amazing the power one small decision can have. It’s crazy how much of an impact something can have on one’s self esteem. Their confidence. Their outlook on life. Take chances. You never know what is right around the corner. All it takes is one smile or one joke or one kiss to change everything for you. One small detail that can be your key to a better life. A better you.
The drive back was ripe with experiences of its own. Of course, he did get tired about an hour into the drive. So the other 3 quarters were spent trying to stay awake. Loud music. Great music. Conversation with a good friend via cell phone in the areas with signal. The occasional near death experience involving an 18 wheeler, wet road, high speed, and a sharp turn.
He made it back to Statesboro around 4AM, which actually would give him more sleep than if he had stayed and fell asleep at 12 (even though he didn’t get up for/go to his 1st class of that day, getting about 10 hours of sleep that day.)
So another adventure comes to an end for this kid. His life was forever changed. He was happy. He was much closer to realizing who and what he wants to be. What he wants. And he’s closer to getting what he wants. And it’s all because of a few small decisions. This was all a result of the things that went down on New Year’s Eve. Everything is related. Everything leads to something. And in this particular kid’s experience… chances are, that something is good. Life is so much better than it gets credit for. You just have to know how to do look at it. You have to believe that life is good. You are in control of your life. Your attitude decides how it treats you. So just love it, and it will love you back. Change yourself if you don’t like yourself. Change your life if you don’t like it. Don’t sit and wallow in the bad. Stand up and bask in the good.
And it’s all good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 5th, 2006|02:32 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Johnny Clegg & Juluka - "Gijim 'beke" | ] |
January 17, 2006:
After the hour long journey of information into the world of Anthropology was done, it was time to head over to the Lakeside Café to get a bite to eat before embarking on the journey of experience into the world of life.
Meeting up with several friends, he talked about random things, joked about a video game he had never heard of, made fun of Darius for his choice of vocabulary and other pointless but enjoyable banter. After his meal was done, he left Lakeside, went to his room to gather his stuff for the trip and bid Statesboro fucking adieu.
Where was he going? Well, the geographic answer to this question is simple. He was heading to Athens for the night to watch a basketball game and see the girl who makes his life anything but boring, Karen. However, there is another context of that question that is harder to answer. Well… not harder to answer, but the answer is hard to define. If you asked him where the relationship was going… if you ask him where the night was going… if you asked him where his life was going… the answer would be simply “into the dark.” That word, “dark”, doesn’t carry a depressive connotation in this context. It is just used to express the unknown quality these things had. He had no idea.
He has no idea.
On the trip up into the abyss, he ran into a situation that he was glad to encounter. There was a big accident on the interstate. An 18-wheeler had tipped over or something like that. The details to what happened are not known, and really… they don’t even matter. What matters is that he was forced to get off of the interstate on a random exit. What was he going to do? The only way he knew how to get to Athens, at that point, has been eliminated. So he was going to have to figure something out. An alternative.
He went to one of the gas stations available and bought a road map of the state of Georgia. Thought about getting a road map of Florida, but felt that would have been inappropriate, seeing that he didn’t really need to know how to get from Tuscaloosa to Tallahassee at the moment. So he settled with the Georgia road map, which proved to be the best choice in the end.
After a nice look at the map, he figured out where he was and where he needed to go in order to get back onto the path to the mysterious destination. And onto the road to Athens too, of course. He studied that map for a good 5 minutes, deciding a careful combination of ‘back roads’ and state roads that will lead him back into familiar territory.
And it worked. This was a huge victory for him. This was a very simple experience and a very simple thing that happens every day… but it had never happened to him. He has never been in the situation where he had to literally figure out something like that in such a situation. Being lost in a city… no big deal. But being lost in a state? That’s pretty big. And he passed the test. He figured it out with no problems. This was a real-life experience he had never had before… and now he has. As simple as it was… it made him feel like a real person. A real person who can feel and do real things. And not fail.
After he hit the halfway point, the sky got all emo and started bawling uncontrollably. So, of course, he had to deal with that shit. What a pain in the ass…
Once he got there, he called that girl and she met him downstairs to let him into the dorm building so he could lay his hat down for a few moments before they head off to enjoy a meal together.
During dinner, there was a fairly comfortable air between them, but he wasn’t feeling 100% (had been coping with a cold all week.) they talked, joked, laughed, smiled, shared, ate, and then paid. Then they left.
Now, I’ll take a break here to explain why this night was so important, and why everything was so unknown and whatnot. See… earlier in time, the two of them had a pretty deep and impactual conversation. The specific details of this talk will remain in his memory, but they won’t be expressed here. Only a few choice elements will be explicated, just so you understand the full intensity of this night and these events.
Basically, the two of them decided that their actions would no longer be separate from their feelings. This means that there would be no more ‘holding back’ between the two of them. If one of them wanted to act, there would be nothing preventing them anymore. Hold hands. Hug. Cuddle. Kiss. Anything. It’s open now. Of course, it had to be wanted by the other person at the time, but that would really be determined after the action took place. No one would get offended if the other acted against their will (unless it was completely inappropriate, but neither of them have the balls to go that far.) So it was a very open decision.
But this night was the first time it was going to be put into play. This was going to be the test night. Do they both really want that? Are they comfortable? Can they do it?
That’s what tonight would decide.
Let’s see how it goes.
The rest of the night would be ultimately devoted to a certain basketball game. Being in Athens, it’s obvious that one of the teams playing is the Georgia Bulldogs. The other team, however, was the Kentucky Wildcats. Now, if you know anything about Philip, you know that he is a very hardcore Kentucky basketball fan. So this was going to be a great thing. Watching his Wildcats play basketball. Even if he had to sit in the UGA student section… who cares?
The walk to the arena was nice. Just the two of them, side by side, in the rain but under umbrellas, talking about this, that, and the other. Not small talk by any means, though. They were sharing and listening. It was really a sweet and real moment. Two real people talking about real things. And really caring about each other.
Now, I will not go into the details of the game. I know none of the readers really care, and the details don’t matter. They do not contribute to this story. They are all documented in the game books anyways, so there isn’t even any need for them to be documented here.
But the feelings of the game are important. He was loving it, and the fact that she was right next to him just made it better (even if she was cheering against him, but it wasn’t any further than a case of ‘supporting one’s own school’, so it wasn’t a big deal.) They were having a great time together, and they were experiencing something quite new to both of them. He had been to basketball games before, but not in the same way. She had never been to one, so it was all alien to her, really.
Kentucky won.
He was feeling completely ecstatic. So many wonderful things going on. He got to see UK. They won. He was with her. they were enjoying each other. He was in Athens. Life was wonderful. Little did he know it was gonna get even better within the next hour or so.
The walk back was just as wonderful as the walk there. At one point, he did something that made him seem very much like a little bitch. No one really needs to know what he did… but let’s just say he was genuinely scared for his life in a moment he should not have been. Damn Dane Cook.
They joked, she called him a bitch, they laughed, and they had a good time walking in the water that was in puddles throughout the city.
They arrived back in her dorm room and started to settle down. The sleeping places were delegated. Her on the top bunk, him on the bottom, and the roommate and her boyfriend on the floor (by choice.)
He had hoped she would be sleeping with him… but wasn’t let down that it didn’t happen. It never happened before, and even though it was “more possible” now, he still did not naturally expect it.
But he couldn’t sleep. It was now 12:30AM. He was going to have to get up at 5:30AM in order to leave early enough to make it back to Statesboro in time for his first class. And he knew he wouldn’t be getting sleep any time soon. So, around 1AM, being of a logical mind, he decided to go ahead and hit the road. He figured that he would take advantage of his body’s refusal to sleep and drive now, so by the time he got back to Statesboro, he would be ready for sleep and could go ahead and do that.
So he packed his stuff back up and put his shoes on. The noise woke Karen up, and she turned on the light and asked him what he was doing, so he explained. She did the normal “are you sure?” thing. He assured her he was sure. Of course he was… time is important, and the key is managing it.
She walked him out the door (to her room, not the building) and they talked for a short bit and then said goodbye and hugged. She went back in her room and shut the door and he walked away.
He took about 5 paces, stopped, and turned back around and went back to the door. He knocked. She said “come in.”
He opened the door, and asked her to come out for a second.
She came back into the hallway. He looked her in the eyes and said “I just wanted to do this.”
Then he kissed her.
He kissed her.
He smiled, she smiled, and then he turned back around and began to leave.
As he walked away, she said “Good boy, you got guts!”
He just looked at her and smiled and head back on his way.
Wow. He did it. He straight up did it. He did what he has wanted to do for many moons. He finally did something he wanted to do. And it felt great. And she liked it. She went with it. It worked!
It’s amazing the power one small decision can have. It’s crazy how much of an impact something can have on one’s self esteem. Their confidence. Their outlook on life. Take chances. You never know what is right around the corner. All it takes is one smile or one joke or one kiss to change everything for you. One small detail that can be your key to a better life. A better you.
The drive back was ripe with experiences of its own. Of course, he did get tired about an hour into the drive. So the other 3 quarters were spent trying to stay awake. Loud music. Great music. Conversation with a good friend via cell phone in the areas with signal. The occasional near death experience involving an 18 wheeler, wet road, high speed, and a sharp turn.
He made it back to Statesboro around 4AM, which actually would give him more sleep than if he had stayed and fell asleep at 12 (even though he didn’t get up for/go to his 1st class of that day, getting about 10 hours of sleep that day.)
So another adventure comes to an end for this kid. His life was forever changed. He was happy. He was much closer to realizing who and what he wants to be. What he wants. And he’s closer to getting what he wants. And it’s all because of a few small decisions. This was all a result of the things that went down on New Year’s Eve. Everything is related. Everything leads to something. And in this particular kid’s experience… chances are, that something is good. Life is so much better than it gets credit for. You just have to know how to do look at it. You have to believe that life is good. You are in control of your life. Your attitude decides how it treats you. So just love it, and it will love you back. Change yourself if you don’t like yourself. Change your life if you don’t like it. Don’t sit and wallow in the bad. Stand up and bask in the good.
And it’s all good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|11:07 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Red Song - Vusi Mahlasela | ] |
Real entry coming soon. and i know i wasnt tagged. but i feel like doing it. sue me.
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your livejournal along with your seven songs.Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.
1.Loneliness - Vusi Mahlasela
2. Battlestar Scralatchitca
3. Le Tshephile Mang - Judith Sephuma
4. Waste - Staind
5. Hold on True - O.A.R.
6. King of the Thing - O.A.R.
7. Rep Your City - Lil John and the Eastside Boys feat 8Ball & Petey Pablo
fuck this, i'm doing more.
8. Epiphany - Staind
9. Vimba - Women of Mambazo
10. Delicate Few - O.A.R.
11. Say Goodbye - DMB
12. Silang Mabele - Vusi Mahlasela
13. Red Song - Vusi Mahlasela
14. Hey Girl - O.A.R. |
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| I'm not tired. |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|04:23 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Under Pressure - Queen | ] |
He looks around. There is nothing but his own stuff in the room. He thinks to himself that having a private room is awesome, especially when it wasn’t something he tried to get, but just came to him.
This is just a recent addition to a list of many wonderful and positive things that has happened to him in a good few months.
In fact, so much has happened that it seems almost impossible to sit here and even attempt to recap it all, because not only will things be left out or not done justice, but also… what’s the point, really?
Sitting here writing about stuff that happened months ago? Things that have already come and gone with much time between now and then? Sure, it’s important to remember things, and that’s not going to be a problem. These things will always be remembered, because they were great. And they were important. And they made an impact. But to list them out would be pointless. They will stay in mind, and that’s all that matters.
However… there are a few things that wouldn’t harm anything if they were mentioned.
One of these moments… New Year’s Eve.
The only thing he wanted to do was spend the night with Karen. All he wanted was for her to be the first thing he saw of the New Year. All he wanted was for kissing her to be the first thing he did of the year. So that’s all he asked for. His only criteria for what was going to happen that night. Anything else done was in pursuit of that goal.
At first, he was under the impression he wasn’t going to be able to spend the night. It was believed that the house at which the group he was with was staying at wasn’t large enough to accommodate him. So the plans shifted a little bit, and he was going to remain sober in order to drive home, by himself, after the year 2006 was born.
However, upon arrival at the party, the owner of the home previously mentioned made him aware that there was indeed room for him, and he was more than welcome to crash there. Change of plans yet again. This is better. Closer to the original plan. In fact… an exact replica was in place now. He phoned home and let his parents know that he was not going to be sleeping in his bed that night, and then took back a fair amount of alcohol in order to play catch up. There was, after all, only a half hour left in the year, and one cannot be sober (if they can help it) during the switch over. It’s a law.
Vodka and cranberry juice was the poison, and poison indeed it was. We’ll learn about the true effects of this consumption later. But for now, just know that being drunk is fun and makes you feel good.
He definitely felt it. He definitely drank enough to inebriate himself. This is a certainty. There is proof of this in the fact that there are not many details after this moment that can be regurgitated, for they are not intact in his memory. But that’s okay, for these minute details are not important anyways.
This is what is important.
When the clock changed from PM to AM and the many people surrounding the fire shouted unintelligible cheers, an action that would forever change his life occurred.
Before this moment, he had planned on kissing her. Granted, it was only on the cheek… but if you are familiar with the history, then you would realize that this was a bold move. It could have been very destructive or very productive. It was not known at the moments leading up to (or during… or even afterwards for a while) which of these it would be. But it was a chance he was willing to take.
Life shouldn’t be spent wondering ‘what if?’ It should be spent dancing on the ground. As many great people have said and said and said again… “I regret the things I did not do more than the things I did.” And He feels this way too. He knows there are many things that he should have done, but was too scared at the moment. He was too caught up in the ‘what if?’ to realize that the ‘what if?’ wasn’t important. That it didn’t matter. Take the chance. Because chances are… the chance isn’t as big as you think. Do it. Unless it’s rape.
When the moment came, however, a little more than a contact between his lips and her cheek happened. Her lips also touched his cheek. Why is this significant? Because it means that she kissed him. That means that they were both doing the same thing to each other. They were both ‘taking a chance’ on each other (even though it’s a fact that she wasn’t really taking a chance, it’s still a big deal.)
It’s even a bigger deal when you find out what happened after that. The time between the double cheeker and the next event is unknown, but ballparking it at 30-40 minutes seems wise.
There was a guy at the party that was trying to get Karen and Julie to kiss. He was being persistent in his insistence, so Karen decided to give this guy what he wanted. “want to see a kiss?” she asked the guy. Of course, the guy nodded in excitement. She then looked at Philip. They exchanged dialogue of looks, and then she asked him “You want to?” Of course, he said “yeah.” She put her drink down, he leaned in, and they kissed. She put her mouth to his ear and said“That’s for dodging me at midnight.”
!!!!!!!!!
Apparently, seeing that he had no idea that she was even going to attempt to kiss him anywhere, when he turned his head to kiss her on the cheek he was inadvertently ‘dodging’ her lips and forcing her to kiss him on the cheek, even though her goal was to kiss him on the lips. How is that for wonderful? It was her that had the bigger plans. Even though it is him who has the greater feelings and emotions, he was still the one to not attempt more. Even when he was taking a big chance… it wasn’t even close to what he could have done.
If that’s not inspiration… I don’t know what is.
The rest of the night went somewhat downhill, for it was filled with mixed signals, confused emotions, unneeded substance use, freak outs, emotional breakdowns, sicknesses, and a semi-broken heart.
But that’s okay. Because even though it had the potential to ruin everything that had been worked on for 2 years… it didn’t. Because that hard work and time and perseverance and love and sacrifice had paid off… and they were too close to let something like that get in the way. Their bond was too strong to break by a simple bad night.
And that alone makes the night a complete success. Sure, bad things happened. But the good stands strong. There’s bad times, but that’s okay, just look for the love in it. And there was definitely love there. Love was blossoming. An even stronger relationship. And even stronger friendship. Something bigger and something better was born that night, and all it is going to take is more time and care to let that grow into the greatest thing he will ever know.
They decided to take it to the next level. Not right away, for certain variables predict that things might not work out if rushed. So, instead… baby steps. That’s all we need, is baby steps. This thing is very promising.
I’ve been working on this… I’ve been wishing for this… I’ve been hoping for this… I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.
And I’m not tired. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2006|11:24 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Recently >> #35 >> Ants Marching - DMB | ] |
okay, here is my schedule for this semester.
-Monday
Environmental Physics 10-10:50
Economics 2-3:15
English 1102 3:30-4:20
-Tuesday
Anthropology 11-12:15
Env Phy Lab 1-2:50 (CANCELLED!!!! yes.)
Health 3:30-5:10
-Wednesday
Environmental Physics 10-10:50
Economics 2-3:15
English 1102 3:30-4:20
-Thursday
Anthropology 11-12:15
Equestrian 1-2:50
-Friday
Env Phy 10-10:50
good fuckin deal, my man. |
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| New Years' Resolutions |
[Jan. 8th, 2006|01:38 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Orinoco Flow - Celtic Woman | ] |
i am so sorry i have been extremely neglectful in regards to telling everyone what's been going on. i think i'm gonna do a "two/three sentences for every big event of the past couple monthes" entry soon. but for now, i am going to list all the things i want to do and achieve this semester (i would say for the whole year, but i live one semester at a time right now, since the breaks in between are significant 'rest stops' to evaluate the first half and see what needs to be improved upon and worked on during the second.)
- learn guitar
- write more (stories, poems, thoughts, lyrics, etc)
- read more
- start writing songs
- work out more vigorously (get more in fucking shape and be unrelentless)
- eat healthier (always)
- learn yoga/take yoga class
- take advantage of equestrian class (learning to ride a horse and just the entire thing will be both relaxing and cathartically hard working... both things i need. this will be so bad ass.)
- take advantage of all the other classes (especially Anthro and Env. Physics)
- focus on classes, and shoot for a 4.0
- root for UK all season long, no matter how weak they are right now (comparitively to other seasons)
- not be neccesarily more social, but definitly more 'go with it.' never turn down an invite (unless there are school conflicts.)
- build musical library (explore more sounds and genres and really absorb myself in them.)
- look into and explore different cultures and customs and whatnot.
- share my culture and customs with anyone who is willing.
- visit friends at UGA and Tech (and go to basketball games)
- fuck stress.
- take advantage of friendships in Delta Chi
- be friends with anyone until they fuck me (or especially if they fuck me, depending on who they are ;D)
- work with Achille's Downfall and really do whatever i can to propel our 'career.'
- hook back up with 11-7 (i think that was the name) and really run with that group (this is the jam worship club.)
- follow through with Steven, Shirley, Kace, Brannen, and Eddie on music.
- jam with whoever i can whenever i can.
- be even more laid back than i am now.
and finally...
- continue building and working on friendship/relationship, and engage in a "say goodbye" relationship with person of your dreams.
seems like it's gonna be a fuckin good semester. for me. we'll see, eh? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|06:03 pm] |
too much has happened. i might attempt to go over it sometime tomorrow or something. but jesus christ, a lot has happened.
here's a list of the classes i have.
anthropology
equestrian
environmental physics
english 1102
health
economics
we'll see how that goes. |
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dr_phlip's journal
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